Two Steps Forward, One Leep Back

3:27pm: Butterfly pt. 2
Almost a month to the day, I saw the butterfly again. First thing I thought: The person who named butterflies must have been dyslexic, and had meant to call it a flutterby.

Second thing was the shape of the wings – something I hadn’t thought about too much. This particular butterfly, when idle from a profile view, has wings that are a bit like a right triangle, only a bit acute. Maybe like 80 degrees instead of 90. On the side opposite the right angle, the side is softer as in not a straight line. It’s almost like torn paper. The side parallel to the ground is shorter than the other two, also.

Is this significant? Not yet; but it is interesting. I'm glad the flutterby made another visit.

3:58pm: Butterfly
Friday, I think it was, I was looking out our kitchen window when I saw a butterfly on our patio. It was neat looking: almost all black, with faded yellow outlining on its wings. It chilled on one of our outdoor chairs, fanning its wings a little bit. I don't see them too often, so I stopped to watch. After a minute or two, I walked away and went on with my day.

Sunday, I decided to wash the dishes. Again, I was facing the patio. Again, I saw the same butterfly; its appearance was even odder the second time. It would set on something, then do a few laps around the patio before setting back down. It was almost beckoning me, wanting me to take notice. Like it was important.

I watched. I studied. I thought in great detail about how it flew. I pondered its freedom, its shape. It felt like I needed to do it. It would flutter around, then make a pinpoint landing. It would speed back and forth to show just what velocity it was capable of. Then it would almost look at me.

“Do you get it yet?” it seemed to say.

“No, but I’m trying,” I would say back.

“Okay, try this!”

It stuck around the entire time I was doing dishes. Since then, I feel like I need to reflect upon it – as if some specific inspiration will present itself. I still haven’t come up with anything solid. But it was definitely inspiring in a general way. If nothing else, I’ve never appreciated how cool butterflies are or the uniqueness of their flight abilities.

Maybe I’ll come up with the true meaning eventually.

5:37pm: Cruise Chronicle 2012
Before I get to the details, here are my top 9 bullet points from the cruise:

1. I had more fun than I thought I would
2. Snuba is such a great way to explore underwater
3. I love my niece and nephew, though they don’t know how good they have it
4. Developing nations can be pretty depressing at times
5. The Mitchum family is so cool that I enjoyed all the time I spent with them
6. It wasn’t bad being unplugged from outside communication for a week
7. I miss getting some color from our friend the sun
8. Oddly, the best place to eat on the ship was the buffet
9. I picked up a new skill: juggling
( Read more... )

2:00am: In stunt class, Bob put our fights on video. Then we re-watched them as a class. It's the first time I've seen myself not in a mirror in the last few months. I am astounded by how much bigger I look. It's like a totally different person from the skinny guy I see in most of the clips on my action and hosting reels.

I feel bad for feeling good about it, in a way. I mean, it's looks; it's superficial. But it's something I've devoted a lot of time to, and I've received results. I'm in the best shape of my life, I'd say. That's not a bad thing, right?

Not sure how far I want to take this. I'm getting into a different territory, casting-wise. That's potentially good or bad. Not like I'm booking anything right now, though. But every piece of clothing that I haven't worn for a while feels 2 sizes too small. I mean, they still look good, but it's weird.

My pants and boxers are especially fitting snug, though, because of all the leg work I'm doing. I've gone from squatting 115 lbs 8 times for 3 sets, to squatting 185 pounds 10 times for 4 sets. A couple months back, I was proud to leg press 6 plates (45 pounds/plate). Now I do 10 plates. The strange thing is, I'm not sure my body is even growing in proportion to my increased strength.

Okay, I feel like a douche, so I'll stop for now. But I may take a comparison pic to do the Pepsi challenge with some posed wrestling pictures in the near future. Unfortunately, they made my "JL" singlet smaller during Chad Deity, when I wore it for a few taped promo spots.

1:13am: Also, I'm at this moment pondering shaving my beard.
But maybe I'll keep it for my meeting with the agent.
Like many things in my life, I think its virtues are under-appreciated and have hope it will get the full credit it deserves some day.

1:09am: Just my sighs
I’m depressed. I don’t know what I’m doing with myself; and when I do, I’m not exactly sure why I’m doing it. I was feeling like this before our Kentucky trip a little over a week ago, and wrote about it in my last (friend-locked) LJ entry. Then it subsided – perhaps because I didn’t really have the time to process it much. But today it came back, and I’m really feeling it at present.

I’m exercising a lot. Endorphins, testosterone, all that shit. Should be good, right? Though I’m even a little edgier than I normally am. I feel like I’m going to snap at some point. It will be a controlled loss of control, but a removal of the leash I wear nonetheless. I encounter situations that are dangerously close to that point. Some politician leaving a sign on my front lawn, which I later find out my landlord authorized (without running it by us). A guy on a bike hogging the sidewalk despite existence of a bike lane, who yelled back at me when I mentioned to him about the fucking bike lane. And that was just today.

I do have two potentially positive things to look forward to. An actress friend put in a word with her new agency, who emailed that they’re interested in meeting with me a week from Tuesday. A bigwig at a big book publisher who didn’t return emails last May and July immediately responded to me, requesting my manuscript. And these two responses happened in the same day. I know better than to get my hopes up, but there’s crazy potential for good to come out of those things.

I was reminded of an event in my grade-school days: In music class, as we were all on risers singing away, I felt very down. The teacher even mentioned it during our singing. I scurried out of the room and went to the bathroom (in the basement, only ones in the school). I felt like I was going to cry; I don’t know why. Dan ran after me, so I tried to play it off like I didn’t feel good.

I’m not sure what was going on in my life at the time. My mom and Roger splitting up? Other issues with my then-stepdad? I don’t know. And I don’t really know what my issue is right now. I wouldn’t say I feel like crying, because I don’t know what that feels like. I haven’t cried since I was about 14. I’m almost 34 now. Okay, in honestly I know what it feels like, but on the rare times it happens I fight it back with everything inside me. Because that’s well-balanced of me, right?

But let’s talk about Dan for a second. That was a really nice thing he did, coming to my aid. Another time, in elementary school, I had been absent on the day we were to run the mile. My asthma and chubbiness meant I wasn’t much of a runner, so perhaps I’d played sick that day. Regardless, I and a few other kids trekked to the Catholic high-school quarter-mile track to run the mile. Dan came with, only to support me. I remember on the final lap, he set himself up to run alongside me on the home stretch. Nobody – family included – had ever done anything that encouraging or supportive for me. Is there any wonder I consider him my best friend some 25 years later?

I’ll leave this on a happy note, thinking about my buddy, and focus on listening to music. Currently playing on iTunes shuffling: Pearl Jam’s Corduroy.

7:04pm: Little Actor Story
I inquired about a project on Craigslist (my first time doing so), casting a stunt fighter. Found out it was for no pay. I talked to the dude, who was apparently the star but spoke very poor English (French accent? German?). He didn't give me much info, though I asked some really pertinent questions. Still, I said I'd meet with him today to see if we could work out a fight. Waited around all day, and found out this afternoon he wasn't available until tonight. In the mean time, I requested some more information -- like where/when shooting is, if I could see the script, etc.

When I give my time, skills and body to a project, I want to know it's a good fit -- especially when it's for no pay. I would assume a director/writer/star would want to be reassuring of people volunteering their time. I got little to no response and didn't like what little I was told. He said, "This C-list actor is attached, and it'll be great. We shoot 7am tomorrow." Or 9 hours after rehearsal would be over. Rehearsal in Universal City, which is a bit of a jaunt from here.

I was getting bad vibes, so I decided to politely decline the offer and save myself the trip to/from Universal City. My decision was proven correct when he texted back, "That's why people like you will never make it!"

Yeah, silly people like me who don't jump into a pool until they're sure it has water in it.

I forgot my policy of not doing free stuff unless it's for a friend or for a great credit (or SAG voucher). I'll remember it in the future. Maybe I was being overly critical in his eyes, but I'm not desperate to be on camera, and I'm not just some wannabe with no skills.

12:25pm: 2011 Year in Review
2012 has a couple days’ head-start on me, but I wanted to recap my 2011 before the memories fluttered away. After all, it was a wild one…or at least seems that way on paper.

For starters, 2011 produced something that ranks very highly among my proudest achievements: I wrote and put out my debut novel. While Still Man Fights is by no means the talk of the town – or even the talk of magazines I worked at for 4 years – I couldn’t be happier with it. Those who were coerced into reading it really seemed to like it, so maybe it’s just the start of the adventures in the “space Australia” known as NewHome. Here’s a link to its Kindle page: http://amzn.to/yjHeqY

Another large event was my on-stage acting debut. The Elaborate Entrance of Chad Deity was such a perfect fit for me. I played a bad-guy wrestler, named the Bad Guy, in an awesome play about many fascinating facets of professional wrestling. The cast was an amazing group of guys (literally, as there were no females) and I learned a lot. It got me into great shape and the credit of fight captain for a Pulitzer finalist production at a prestigious playhouse. I also got to take powerbombs and backdrops for 50 shows in 48 days. And I’m not an Equity actor. Pretty nifty!

A thing that didn't happen was me working for WWE. It was close to happening, though, after 6 months of courting and a trip out to Stamford to interview with Stephanie McMahon, Triple H and others. But they decided to go with soap-opera writers, apparently. Eh, I'm a west-coast guy anyway. ;)

Music played a big role in my life for 2011. Very early on, I picked up the Beatles box set which contains basically everything they recorded. I selected my favorite 94 songs (sorry, Hey Jude) and have really immersed myself in them. I did similar with Led Zeppelin more recently, digging deeper into their catalog than just their 2 excellent best-of CDs.

I also made some music this year, writing and recording a song about the Occupy movement. I ganked the beats and basic formula from Jay Z’s 99 Problems, but it was still a challenging experience. Here’s a link to 99 Percent: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOSzctl8JCg I’ve got aspirations of writing and recording more songs, and have already begun preparations on several.

This year, I tried to pare down my video-game collection some. It started with Kate’s friend Laura coming out for Thanksgiving. I wanted to have less boxes around. I took about 150 games to Best Buy and sold another 50 on eBay. I used the Best Buy credit to get an iPad 2, which is an amazing little device. At least games for that take up no space.

What I did not pare down was my video-game PLAYING. NBA 2K11 dominated my game time in the early part of the year, and Skyrim has absolutely owned the last couple of months. I’ll likely beat the 185-hour playing time record I had on Oblivion (its predecessor), though part of me hopes to rid myself of the Skyrim curse soon. After all, staying up until 3am playing is not the most productive thing I could be doing. What if I’d spent that 150 hours learning Japanese, for example?

I touched on it with Deity, but I really have focused on fitness. It was part of our rehearsals to go to the gym nearly every day (Equinox membership!), and I did that despite some bothersome injuries (ribs suck). Putting on weight was difficult but I think I looked fine, though standing next to the dark and massive Chad Deity didn’t help my cause. I’m pretty sure I was overtraining and not eating enough. After a post-run month of illness and laziness, I’m back to working out around 4x a week at the old Bally-turned-LA Fitness. I’ve put on about 5 pounds, which I attribute to working my chickeny legs more often.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention Kate. Our relationship continues to be beyond awesome, and I couldn’t be happier. She got herself a new job, which has offered her new challenges and better pay, though her boss situation quickly turned into a similar situation to the old one. Her late-December car accident was a bit scary, but her new car is a positive byproduct. My wife is such a talented, wonderful human being.

I also ought to mention that my relationship with my mom improved a lot this year, and it’s solely to her credit. I don’t think we’ve put the either near the top of our priority lists much over the years, but she involved me a lot more in 2011, and I really appreciate it.

I guess I’ll cut this off here while it’s ~800 words. I’m getting better at these things! On to 2012 and all that it holds!

PS,
I let my hair grow out, and it’s still there!

1:48pm: Health?
What the heck is happening inside my body? I'd been waking up with asthma attacks after about 5 hours of sleep. This is about 3 weeks after going to the doctor for near-pneumonia. So I went to the doctor again. Instead of being there 1 1/2 hours, I was only there for 30 minutes, but didn't actually see the doctor. After the useless assistants took my weight/blood-pressure/temp (didn't you do this 3 weeks ago?) a "real" nurse came in and talked to me. Kinda negates going to the same doc when you don't see said doc again, but her head was screwed on straight.

She suggested I take some Mucinex, which I have done before with success and am surprised I didn't think of. I talked her into getting me a sample of a twice-daily inhaler, in hopes of chilling my asthma. She gave me a one-off prescription of that and the rescue inhaler, and sent me on my way.

Turns out we had Mucinex. It was hiding behind the Band-Aids on the top shelf of the medicine cabinet. Go figure. Good thing, though, as it's expensive. Speaking of expensive, the twice-daily ran me $107, and the rescue was around $40. I'm now pondering trying to return the unopened twice-daily...if I could find the damn receipt from 3 days ago.

But Mucinex and the inhaler seemed to be working like a charm. Until yesterday. While taking a pill, I had one of my trademark throat issues. Saliva coming up, burp/hiccup combo. I end up going to spit up (throw-up from the throat region), which has been pretty controlled in the last few years. Then it happened again. Tasted like the pill.

Long story shorter, I couldn't keep down any food for the rest of the day. Or water. I must have gone to puke about a dozen times. One of them contained some of the meal-replacement shake I had that morning...5 hours or so before. That's not good. Eventually, I could eat a little. Maybe a small bowl of the Thai takeout we got, some almonds and a Cliff bar right before bed.

That's enough complaining/whining for one day.

5:28pm: Now What?
Deity's over, and so is the illness that took me out for a week a week after Deity was over. Now I'm nearing full strength -- and full breath -- and need to plot my next course. Easier said than done.

I have a litany of options with what to do next. None of them is actually going to result in money right away, which probably doesn't make my wife too happy. I feel very lazy right now, though I know that for the right project -- such as the aforementioned Deity -- I am capable of giving my complete effort.

I could work on publicizing Still Man Fights. I didn't have much success with that before, though, and it's hard thankless work. But the book is done of course. I had also pondered having a few hundred copies printed up and trying to sell those, since many people are still anti e-book. That's quite the investment, though.

I could work on a sequel to Still Man Fights. I've already jotted down some notes on it. Not sure what that would help, though, since I couldn't sell copies of the first. Experience? I'd need to re-read Still Man, which I've sort of begun (4 chapters in).

I could try to get some acting work. After all, Deity was acting. I really need some representation. Maybe Deity could help me parlay that, even though I'm kind of lost how to go about doing that. Trolling Actors Access and other sites is kind of depressing, though something good may come of it. I probably need to do this.

I sent an email to my old boss at THQ, asking if there's anything I can do to help out the project. Not sure whether that's smart or pathetic, but I have the skills and they could probably use them for a variety of reasons. I'd be willing to pitch in some.

There are several musical arrangement things I could be working on. I had been working on a Still Man Fight song, which was almost written. I wanted to adapt War Pigs to something Kate could sing while I rapped the breaks. Those aren't actually very jobby, though.

Every time I talk with Gwar's lead singer, he brings up the need for a Gwar video game. Not sure how much I can actually make that happen, but I've actually worked on games before, and I sure like Gwar. It'd be nice to have some specs written out for him when they come to town next month.

There are a few other random projects, too, barely in the conception stage. Different books, scripts, etc. Just thinking about it though kind of has me down. With Still Man Fights, I had a definite direction -- one lone project with which to devote all my efforts. I need that again, though the success of Still Man or lack thereof isn't too encouraging.

See, the Deity money was just tide-over money. There's nothing left over to carry me far. It was just a 3-month period where my quality of life improved and I wasn't draining from my savings. I'm going to have to dip back into said savings for my next round of bills/rent. Not very happy with that, either. Since Deity was kind of the surprise opportunity that just popped up out of the blue, I'm not holding my breath for a similar occurrence. So I'm a little lost.

5:24pm: I have a week left of Chad Deity shows. And actually, it's the most show-heavy week, since we're doing 3 matinees -- including one on Wednesday for around 500 high-school kids.

I've had such a great time and I'm so ready for it to end. Shows keep getting better in that I get to have more fun playing around with my scenes and feel accomplished in my video-camera'ing. The other actors are such pros and they joke around, too. The crowd is hit or miss; shows where much of the audience is comps are boisterous and loud, which many normal shows are quiet and depressing. I can only imagine how the leads feel when their stuff isn't going over.

Yesterday, during the matinee, I got a very positive ovation on my entrance. I said something from-the-hip like, "Are you people stupid? Didn't you hear him announce me as The Bad Guy? Why are you cheering me? Idiots..." That kind of stuff is so fun for me, and makes each show unique. Whenever I have friends in the audience, I try to play with them -- whether it's physically assaulting them, yelling at them, or what have you. A few buds from the THQ/WWE mocap days brought signs, which was awesome.

But stuff hurts. I'm hurt. Taking powerbombs and backdrops for 8 shows/week wears on you after a while. As I told someone the other day who asked, "It felt okay the first 30 shows; the last 10 or so have been a little painful." I can't really find a comfortable way to lay in bed; something always hurts. It's like a random die roll to see what's tops on the pain priority list. My lower back is a constant source of discomfort, and every bump adversely affects it. I'm glad I haven't self-medicated at all with pain pills or the like. I think I've taken 6 ibuprofen this whole time, mostly to treat swelling. I'll be fine sitting still, then get up and wince a few times. A spring chicken I am not. I don't mean to sound like a whiner. I'm just not used to it yet, though I'm functioning at a high level during performance time.

And I'm still working out hard. Today, my one day off, I went to the gym and was a beast with chest/triceps exercises. I'm watching my diet and nutrition -- which reminds me, I need to eat again soon.

My voice is also in shambles. I have zero range, and sound like crap no matter what I say or how I say it. Luckily, I get throat adrenaline during shows so I'm at least understandable in my screaming. I look forward to healing up all parts of my body, while continuing to get more buff. And who knows if/what opportunities will present themselves stemming from this experience?

I'll have to devote some time to hustling for an agent after this. It's not like the pay was enough so I can live high on the hog for months to come -- especially with the union jacking my check for $100+/week. Woulda been nice to take a vacation to Japan or something. But Kate couldn't even go, what with her new job.

Now I'm just kind of thinking/typing out loud. That's it for now.

1:14pm: Ow
Not sure how I did it exactly -- though I did take a stiff palm-strike or two to the area -- but my right pectoral (man-boob) really hurts. I'm talking pain when I laugh/sneeze/cough/raise my voice. I've been icing and rubbing Arnica liberally in hopes of helping. It'll be interesting to see how today's gym workout goes (first in 4 days), not to mention tonight's performance.

I'm sure my rib bugged me at least this much, and maybe even my shoulder-blade. I think I'm being a baby because I went 4 shows with virtually no pain.

And while I'm on the subject, let's chronicle the injuries I've had during this experience, in semi-chronological order:
Left rib - bumped on it wrong during rehearsals; kept me from lifting well for a week; still feel it.
Left big toe - must have curled it on super-hurricanranas; got very purple; still feel it; big right toe was less severe.
Neck - constant thing; probably wasn't helped getting dropped on head 4x during tapings; still feel it.
Right inner thigh - partner landed on me in 1st 'rana attempt; bruise, but barely rated.
Lower back - I think this is mostly from arching while holding camera (4 scenes/show); still feel it.
Left wrist - not sure when I hurt this, but it bugs me at times.
Right shoulder - got a bump on my deltoid somehow during a match; went away, but ugly bruising below; rarely hurts.
Right ankle - turned this in a match (I do this a lot); feel it sometimes.
Left shoulder-blade - I think I was bumping wrong off clothesline; had a fist-sized bruise; hurt lots for ~3 days; doesn't rate now.
Left index finger - jammed during a match; hurt quite a bit for ~2 days.
Right pectoral - took some abuse from pushes/bumps; no visible bruising; current top-ranking pain.

10:26am: Woke up at 4:00am today. Not because of restlessness this time, but for work. KTLA, a local channel, was running live segments of the Chad Deity cast to promOte the show.
No problem; I can do that. Wasn't tough getting up, traffic was of course light.
The issue: They had Tim and I - the only 2 wrestlers - doing on-the-spot wrestling for basically every segment. We were not prepared. I ended up jamming my (very) hurt shoulder on a move, and now it hurts more than ever. So much for the rest I got on Monday. And now I have to carry this pain through 8 shows before I get my next day off? Not cool. PR should not physically hurt. I feel taken advantage of, and used. My body is valuable, and necessary for the shows. It was not respected. And yeah, maybe I could have said something, but you (probably) don't know what live tv is like.
I hope what we did sells a hell of a lot of tickets. But more than that, I hope I can get to sleep for a few hours before I need to hit the gym then go to work.

5:56am: I'm a bit of a mess.
I don't know that I've ever had something dominate my life like this play. I mean, I've felt like Kate has dominated my thoughts at times, or a video-game I was working on at crunch, but this is a totally new level for me.
I can't sleep through the night without feeling I'm in the play, or at least at the theater. It's weird and annoying. It's like getting a song stuck in your head all night, but deeper.
And my injuries keep me up, too. My left shoulder-blade is the flavor of the week, and it's a doozy. But my neck and lower back are not to be ignored. My big left toe even cries out to me on occasion. Hence why I'm up at 5:45 on my day off, to rub arnica on some parts, Max Freeze on others. Probably should've iced the shoulder here first, but am too lazy now.
The weird thing is I took a great nap on a cot between shows yesterday. Or maybe that's not so weird, if you consider the situation I'm in now. But why can't I get comfortable in my own bed, at bedtime? I really need some sleep on my 1 day off. I need to find a comfy physical position and relaxed frame of mind in order for that to happen.
Wish me luck. And wish Kate luck on her new job, which she'll be getting up to start preparing for in 10 minutes.

2:41am: An Example
Here's an example of what I'm doing for a living these days:
I get pumped/oiled up so I'm as buff as possible.
I scowl and yell over generic rock music.
I walk up to Betty White, who's 1 seat in from the aisle, row 3 wall side.
I flex my arm and put it in Betty's vicinity, saying, "I don't let many people touch me, but go ahead."
When she amiably reaches for my muscles, I pull my arm away, yelling "You're not touching anything!"
This was a true story from tonight.

4:09pm: A workout post
This will probably bore everyone who reads it, so I decided to post it here, where few people are destined to read it.

Prior to this role being offered to me (that of The Bad Guy in The Elaborate Entrance of Chad Deity, for those not in the know), I had been working on bulking up. Lots of protein, heavy-ish weights at the gym. Then, once the role was mine, I was privileged to have workouts scheduled into the first 2 hours of rehearsals (6 days/week).

An injury to my ribs all but halted my production, as my strength took about a 50% dip. It was a struggle finding any exercises that didn't hurt a lot. Since I wasn't lifting much, I stopped eating for mass.

Once the rib was up to snuff (took a little over a week, I think), I was back on track. But with the show opening looming closer, putting on size was no longer an option -- especially when I tried on the pants I was supposed to wear every night for my match. I'm a 32 waist, and they felt more like a 28. Even once they "fixed" the elastic, parts of me are unattractively hanging over the top of them. Love-handle ab exercises were some of the worst on my ribs, coincidentally.

I've cut my calories and carbs. Now that we're performing the show in the early evening, I basically cut myself off on most food stuff around 5:30. I even kind of avoid water, because I don't need the bloat.

Here's a rundown of what I usually intake on a typical day:
Breakfast - Some light carbs with protein, such as fresh fruit put in yogurt. Try to get this as soon as I get up, along with a few gummy vitamins
Pre-workout - Another fruit-type thing, and a scoop of creatine blend in water
Post-workout - A scoop and a half of protein powder with about 10 ounces of water immediately after I work out (before I even steam/shower)
Lunch - Something high-protein. Used to be a chicken omelet or Fatburger turkey burger w/egg, but now I've been having half a turkey/sprout/avocado/light mayo sub on whole grain and maybe a little something else
Snack - A Fiber One bar or some fruit or almonds or protein bar
Dinner - The other half of my sandwich, followed by a protein shake before our 2-hour dinner break is up. I got some hummus and carrots I'll incorporate, too
Post-show - I'll have another shake and maybe another Fiber One
Late Dinner - I feel SOOOO carb-deprived when I get home. But I usually will have a chicken breast or packet of tuna with some brown rice or black beans
Pre-sleep - I try to give myself something before I go to bed, like some almonds or yogurt
I try to find time to take 2 LARGE amino acid pills/day and one tiny Vitamin D3 pill

Since last week, the 2-hour workout was removed from our allotted time. I'm still going to the gym 5-6 times a week -- even if it means waking up at 8:30 on a weekend and leaving my sweet wife alone in bed. Not easy, but I deem it necessary. She understands, saint that she is.

Equinox is great, albeit a little small. Nice to have familiar faces there (Chad Deity principle and understudy along with whomever else shows up). I really relish the steam room. I'm going to try to spend a good 45 minutes there tomorrow, since I'm planning on only doing cardio and abs and we don't have our call until after 1.

I still get to Bally once or twice a week. It's more convenient for early calls, as I can shower/eat at home. Its selection of weights and equipment is actually better, and it's not too crowded early-ish in the day.

I break up my workout days into chest/triceps and shoulder/biceps. I also do abs and cardio almost every time (elliptical because my toes got injured and running hurts). I had a day denoted for back and legs, but the tight pants pretty much make building my legs counterproductive, so I just blow out back exercises -- though it's lower priority than the other groups.

Today was chest/triceps day at the gym, though I am actually off from work. I didn't work out Thursday and was pressed for time a couple days, so I felt hitting the gym was necessary today. I did 10 different exercises hitting one or both groups.

Decline bench started it off: I began with a 45 plate on each side, then added a 5 for 2 sets, then replaced the 5 with a 10 for one or two more sets. Incline dumbell press complements that, and I started with 45 then bumped up to 50.
I switched to tris with kneeling tri extensions on the bench. 20 reps for each arm, 2 sets of 25lbs and one set of 30lbs. Went over to the pec deck for 4 sets of 8-10 with 130-lb. max. Then did a set of triceps pulley pulldowns followed by seated rows (which maxed at 150lbs for a set of 12).
Went apeshit on triceps pulley pullups with the pivot on the floor. Usually struggle with these, but was able to do 7 sets, starting at 20lbs and adding 5lbs to every set until I finished at 50lbs. Got to the pulley station and did some dual pulley uppercuts and some of what I can Hogans -- where the pivot is high, and you meet your hands at your chest.
Went to the stretching area and did pushups to fatigue -- a set of 25 and 3 of 20. Then I finished with some abs. I do a low bicycle motion on my back, arms flat with palms up: 2 sets of 100. And I rolled my towel to do some crunches where I alternate right elbow to left knee and vice versa: 2 sets of 80.

Do I overtrain when I do this much? I don't know. The thing is, the creatine I take has some caffeine, which helps sustain energy -- especially for someone like me who never drinks coffee soda. I'm feeling better and better in the gym, probably because I'm getting results.

I've said this several times in the past, but I may just be in the best shape of my life right now. And I just had my 33rd birthday. Notice I didn't use the term "celebrate" because I had a workout followed by a 12-hour tech rehearsal shift at work that day. By the time I got home, Kate was asleep.

Others in the cast/crew are noticing a difference in my body, which is saying something since they see me every day. Funny thing is, I haven't gained any weight. Stepped on the scale, I'm still around 170, which was actually less than I was when I started this journey. But a friend who saw dress rehearsal last night remarked, "What, did you gain 15 pounds?"

The shot they took of me for my character's entrance picture is something. I of course got a pump and got oiled up for it. Plus there were some bright lights. Still, I gotta say it looked pretty good. The buffest guy in the cast, Terence, keeps saying I need to get a copy of that picture to keep. He's said it no less than 4 times. He's very encouraging. If I get the pic, I'll probably post it on Facebook, even though that's a little narcissistic.

I'm sure this upswing in muscle tone won't last forever. My body will get used to the supplements and diet I've put it on, and plateau. But for now, I'm enjoying the ride. I expect a few more improvements before that plateau happens. Hopefully in my love handles.

1:06am: All Things Chad Deity & Me
I’m usually pretty good about writing about big experiences in my life. But for some reason, I haven’t been motivated to write about this play yet. Perhaps it’s because it’s such a dominating force in my life; I have such precious little time away from it, and the last thing I want to do is write about it when I do get respite. But at the insistence of a friend, I’m hunkering down to talk about it.

First, the details. The play is called The Elaborate Entrance of Chad Deity. It’s been around the block a bit already, and won some awards during its runs in Chicago and New York. The three main cast members are reprising roles from previous runs, as is the director. Thus, it’s a pretty established group who know how to do things. It’s playing at the Geffen Playhouse, which is one of the best regarded theatres in the LA area. We start previews on August 30 – consider them trial runs – and then have a big premier on September 7th which should draw some big players.

I found out about it because a very respected fight guy whom I met through Bob recommended me for it. Otherwise, I would have literally had no idea it existed (though a few friends knew enough to audition for different roles). When the play’s fight coordinator (another old friend of Bob's) called me, I told him plainly that I wasn’t the size they were looking for. He told me to get in the gym. I did; and I also got to the dinner table.

Fast-forward to the audition, and I dazzled with my ability. It was wrestling stuff, so it was pretty second-nature despite my time away from the ring. At callbacks, everyone already cast was there, and I got in and did a few little things. Then Chad Deity powerbombed me. It didn’t feel good. I always say bumps always suck, but I wasn’t digging the way my neck felt. I said nothing. They sent me outside. I was beckoned again for non-wrestling capacity, and talked about my background and passion for the business.

Another guy outside was obviously a wrestler – much larger than I – and was talking a pretty big game. The casting director called us both, saying we’d split the roles (3 wrestlers who lose to the main characters) and understudy each other. Fine by me; I was in.

After new-guy awkwardness and parking drama, the ball was rolling. My neck still bugged me, but the other wrestler confided that he was feeling his bumps, too. They made him do a lot more on callbacks, probably because he had actually crashed the original auditions.

We all got guest memberships to Equinox, a swanky gym a few blocks away. We also got some supplements: shakes and vitamins. They want us to be in good shape, though few of us actually look like wrestlers. 2 hours of our day is blocked off for going to the gym. Can’t argue with that.

Day 3 of auditions, I messed up. We were working on superkick reactions – a move I used to *give* all the time but haven’t taken many of. They wanted a bigger bump than the standard. A twist, they said, if I could manage. I could. But once, I somehow bumped onto my elbow, which smacked into my ribs. I kind of no-sold it, though later my pain was noticed enough that an incident report was written up, and I filled out a workman’s comp paper…just in case.

It didn’t take the rib long to really start bugging me. I think the corner turned the next day at the gym, when despite being careful I heard/felt it pop when I was doing preacher curl. It popped a few more times through the day. That night was excruciating. Trying to turn over seemingly took forever, and I was wincing enough to wake up Kate. Not fun for either of us. I started a habit of icing it often and wrapping it in a bandage once a day. In fact, I’m icing right now. It’s gotten better, but I still feel pops all the time. I think tomorrow I will use that workman’s comp paper and get an x-ray between my fitting and my rehearsal call.

So, that’s been a big downer. I can’t bump much, my workouts have suffered, and people are worried about me. I know when I get my adrenaline up I’ll be fine, but 8 shows a week for 6 weeks is no small task. But enough about the ribs.

The play is really good. I mean, really good. I’ve seen it run through a good dozen times, and I’m not sick of it. I think the first 8 times, my enjoyment kept going up. And I have yet to see the lights, background video, etc. The actors do a kick-ass job. One guy has literally 13,000 words of dialog! That's 10x the length of this journal entry!

I have limited interactions onstage (and 1 line), but I do my best. Mainly, I try to make choices. The writing is after my own heart. The direction is sweating the details. I see why people like doing theatre: You don’t have to rush to shoot it. You can take your time to perfect everything. And I’m sure when we’re live, it’ll be a rush.

I’m surprised at the lack of contact on the superkicks. I used to get right under my opponent’s chin (if not through it). Here, they literally don’t touch. I’m used to going on contact. Not so here. I’m teaching them a lot of wrestling things, but I’m no stranger to teaching thanks to years as Bob’s assistant in Film Fighting LA. They’re all very receptive, and doing a good job. And honestly, they were a lot further along than I anticipated. Oh, did I mention I’m the fight captain? No small job, especially since the fight coordinator is gone for 2 weeks and his assistant is only in sporadically. I lead the fight call, I watch the fights, and I monitor for injury. It’ll look good on my resume.

I’m not a super social guy, but I like all the people here. I have a feeling one isn’t a big fan of me, but that doesn’t surprise me. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I rub some people the wrong way, especially with my unintentional “tone.” My only hope is to earn his respect eventually. If not, I’m not losing sleep over it. I haven’t really associated with the guys away from the gym and rehearsals. I only had lunch with the other wrestler once, and I bowed out of a drinks gathering one night because I just wanted to A) rest my rib and B) see my wife.

Aside from being a wrestling character, I also play cameraman. For specific promos, I’m there focusing on the actor(s). This confused me a bit, but then I was told the (heavy F’ing) prop camera was going to be replaced with a REAL one, that would be rigged to the big screen onstage! Good thing I have some experience with literal and digital camerawork.

So that’s it for now. I still don’t know what my character’s look is, even though I apparently have a fitting tomorrow. He’s The Bad Guy. The other wrestler (who has 2 wrestling parts but no line) has some straight-up embarrassingly sketched outfits. Of course, I as the understudy will get my own gay cowboy and stripper Captain America costumes. I just hope he stays healthy so I never have to wear them in front of a crowd. Then again, you never know what I’ll be dressed in. I can only follow his advice to "own it."

1:33am: Play
Have I ever posted to LJ from my iPhone before? Dunno. Kate has an app for it but I don't -- odd, as she NEVER updates.
Anyway, I've spent a lot of the past week thinking about Tuesday. More specifically, the callback for the play I auditioned for. It would be an awesome opportunity if I get it, not to mention allowing me to make money for the first time this year (the $28 I've made off my novel notwithstanding). Can't say I would have predicted I'd A)be in a play, or B)wrestling again, but both are amazingly close to happening (2 birds 1 stone).

I've been working hard to put on size -- eating much more and working out more consistently/intensely -- as I see that as the lone hurtle for me getting the part(s). Kate's co-worker Kari remarked how I looked much more muscley when we had CoCo Ichibanya with her yesterday. And at stunt class tonight, Bob noticed right away (I've been away 2 weeks). Such a great feeling to have others notice your hard work. I can't tell, and Kate looks at me every day so she can't either. But the scale shows I put on some pounds. I hope that's enough to get me in the door so I can continue bulking up for the next month.

In other news, I have such a love/hate relationship with social networks. They're still...weird to me. I misunderstood what a guy said on Twitter the other day, and now I feel a bit toolish. I tend to just respond to people's statuses with smarmy jokes, post vain attempts at profundity, and feel like a loser any time I attempt to engage with pseudo-celebs via Twitter.

Game quickies: Super Street Fighter IV with a stick is fun; I'm 7 hours into DQ9; and 1000 Heroz is a really neat iPhone game with new daily courses/leaderboards.

3:58pm: A lot of people make good friends until you actually have to ask them for something.

I can say with confidence that I am a good friend. When someone I consider a friend -- or even barely so -- requests something of me, I more than likely will agree to help. And then, I will almost always deliver. Not always...but almost always.

There's more to being a good person than just having a positive attitude or wearing a smile. Me, I'm kind of a surly motherfucker, and getting more so as the years tick-tock. But for those people that mean anything to me, I'll sweat, spend, or give time for them pretty readily. I recall a day in Minneapolis when Kate and I were coming back to our apartment, and two girls were trying to unload a moving truck in light rain. I jumped in and helped them like they were my sisters. Because that's what I should do. Even though they were strangers.

I find the opposite doesn't hold true as often as it should. Maybe it's because I am that surly motherfucker, I don't know. I just know that when I come to people with things, disappointment is the majority. And I try to limit the scope of my requests, because of my whole "be as little a pain in people's asses as possible" mantra. I usually ask others to do LESS than I would do were I in their shoes. So when you fail me, I remember it. I have a damn good memory, too. I don't write you off, but I...just remember.

Many have delivered for me, however. The Still Man Fights cover-shoot alone is testament to the inclusion of good people among the masses (not to mention talented). And when you deliver for me, I remember it. I have a damn good memory, too. In my mind, I owe you not one but two. I try to repay twofold.

This thought came to my mind the other day, talking to a starving actor friend who's got an estranged millionaire father who no-showed his 30th birthday: Those who have a lot cannot relate to the sense of urgency coming from those who are in need.

One more thing I want to mention: You need to let other people do things for you. Nice things. Because it's a great way to build up self-esteem. It can't just be a one-way street.

3:03pm: The ol' Coupon try
I'm looking to expand my Smashwords sales on Still Man Fights, as they're only a fraction of Amazon's Kindle store sales. But at the same time, the PDF file format is such an easy way to read the book.

One thing Smashwords offers is a coupon system. Thus, I'm offering a coupon for one week, where the book -- in any of the several formats Smashwords supports -- is only 99 cents. That's 67% off of its regular (and already-cheap) price of $2.99.

The link to Still Man Fights on Smashwords is http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/59989. The coupon code is EN52E.

I'm hoping this will inspire people I know to read my novel, as I'm very proud of it and worked very hard on it. As always, support is appreciated and feedback is welcome.

5:45pm: Mike Shawbitz
I think it’s time I write some about my grandfather, Mike Shawbitz, who died recently. But as he had a multi-year battle with Alzheimer’s, I don’t know if the last few could count as life. Likely the last time I saw him was during my wedding – almost 6 years ago. I’m not certain he knew who I was, but he was still quite functional and even engaging. I’m kind of glad that’s the final time I saw him, so my last memories have some happiness attached to them.

I’m the oldest of 8 grandchildren. There’s a 9th who’s older than me, but he/she doesn’t get counted for whatever reason. I don’t really know the story behind that; all families have their skeletons. My age, combined with the fact that my mom spent a lot of time living with her parents due to my abusive, alcoholic father, meant I have a bit of a special bond with my grandparents. There are pictures of me as a baby playing guitar with Mike – whom I referred to as Papa (puh’puh) – and doing other typical cute baby/adult things.

As a child, I would go up to Ironwood, MI twice a year, balancing time between my father and my grandparents. They were extremely active people: golfing, socializing, acting in local theater, participating in the Finnish culture, fishing on Lake Superior, etc. And I’d end up taking part in those things, which in all honesty was pretty fun. I remember Papa teaching me to golf, and my driving the cart a little too fast down the hill of #7 – him holding on for dear life in the passenger side. I remember often getting the cherry from his fancy alcoholic drinks, letting the yucky booze taste dissipate and enjoying the sweet cherry.

Mike was a man’s man for that day and age. He was the breadwinner. He read the newspaper, watched the news, and my grandma handled things at home. He was a stern guy in private, but a charismatic man in social situations. I guess, like me, he could turn it on when needed. He was quick with a joke or with a song. He could dance or play guitar with ease, which has passed on to his sons and their children.

I didn’t particularly get along with him – the generation gap was quite large. I remember arguing with him about a flippant remark he made during a Utah Jazz playoff game while I was visiting in Florida. I called him a “dork,” and he didn’t know what that meant. Neither did I, honestly; it’s just slang we kids used. I remember him at my high-school graduation, thinking I was insane for not going to college. An education was of paramount importance to my grandparents. If my mom echoed their sentiments, she didn’t express it to me. He was a grumpy man in my eyes a lot of the time – like leaving the blinker on in the car then yelling at my Granny for mentioning to him that it was still on.

I’m sorry that my cousins didn’t get to share as much time with our grandfather. Since I’m the older, intimidating, liberal black-sheep of the family, perhaps they would have gotten along better with him. He loved his drink and he loved his money, two things I don’t really get behind myself.

But differences in philosophy don’t mean I didn’t respect the man. He came from the humblest of upbringings; in his youth, he was very poor. That he came out of that and lived comfortably and raised some very smart and successful children speaks well of him. I never spoke with him about those hard times in his youth, but communication isn’t the way of the man in his era. Perhaps if I did, I’d be able to relate to him more. His family really loved him, and mourned his passing. I would have liked to be there for the funeral – as I would have liked to try to turn it into a makeshift Shawbitz family reunion – but neither was to be. He’s free of the pain of the living purgatory that is his disease, and is hopefully now in a better place.

2:22am: You heard it here first!
I'm posting this here, because I don't want to prematurely exhaust my audience on FB or my newly created Twitter account (@StillManFights). But I am done with my book. As in, it is submitted to both Smashwords and Amazon's Kindle store for sale.

I was up until 4:30 am last night (this morning) formatting the Smashwords file, which is a super stickler about formatting -- mostly because it aims for compatibility with 8 different file types/e-readers. Then today, I looked at its Kindle version on my Kindle (after perusing my submitted version to Amazon and being pleased), and it looked like ass: barely any indents, weird bold/unbold, missing returns, etc.

Thus, today I literally pasted the whole 75K-word story in Notepad, then re-pasted it in Word and started formatting from scratch. All font styles, paragraph types and italics needed to be redone. It was not an easy process -- mostly picking out the odd italicized word. But now it looks spiffy, and was resubmitted with no errors. So soon, I should have an ISBN number, and be up for sale on Apple and Sony. A while back, I submitted the work to the copyright people.

The Amazon version went from "In Review" to "Publishing" during today, which is encouraging. Means it should be up tomorrow. Their conversion process was so easy by comparison, and allowed all my formatting. I even added a Table of Contents in Word, which is something I was totally clueless about before but figured out on my own today. Neat!

I'm keeping cautiously optimistic on this endeavor. My confidence in the story is there. I really hope the combo of my promotional savvy plus my connections in the media will help get the word out about Still Man Fights. I've talked to several old pals about it, and most have been encouraging. More buzz = more sales = more attention from people who can help take it to the next level.

The cover is something I really love. They often say you should never get your friends to do important work. Whomever said that didn't have the kind of talented friends I do. Bob and Tim played their roles perfectly; Kate made a great model weapon out of cardboard and duct tape; Tony took a ton of pictures with good equipment; and Zoe made magic with Photoshop.

Wish me luck, you scant few who read this thing! For further info, just peek in on Facebook or Twitter.

Here's a look at the cover -- which I've waited to put up on Facebook until the thing's for sale.

5:50pm: Book-Related
- I finished my "final" round of edits on Still Man Fights yesterday.

- Today, I uploaded it to the copyright board to get a copyright on it; I'd already paid the $35 and signed up 2 weeks ago.

- I also started process to get it an ISBN number, though I don't know if/when I'll ever get it printed. This was not super easy, necessitating turning it into a .txt using MS-DOS font and line breaks. I had to go and change out all smart quotes, em-dashes and other auto-formatting first, as well as adding some tags to it. But then it didn't end up giving me the option to upload. I guess that comes later.

- A potential literary agent said she'd read the first 25 pages she'd been sitting on this weekend. I'll ping her tomorrow to see if she actually did. I've had some frustration in that realm in the last few weeks, which I'd rather not discuss in such a public forum.

- The only thing keeping me from putting it up on Amazon's Kindle store right now is a lack of cover. I have a pretty big vision of what I want for a cover, which will require the help of several people. Some of them I will probably have to pay. Also looking into Smashwords, but that's second. Regardless, once it's up for digital distribution purchase, much of my focus will switch to promotions. I have a lot of people I will tap for an assist; I hope at least some come through.

- I went to a Northwestern alumni writer event (through Kate) a few weeks back, and talked to Thomas, a writer who's had success in fiction and the digital realm. He gave me a contact at Simon & Schuster. I sent out a query letter to her today. While I'd prefer to have an agent, I'm not going to sit around waiting. The book is presentable, so that's what I'm a-gonna do.

- Still Man Fights is a good story. I like it every time I read it, and believe me when I say countless re-readings of a 75,000-word book you've devoted the last 9 months to isn't usually a recipe for still liking it.

1:26am: I really miss the ability to view my VIP list on Facebook for iPhone. Now I have to look at everyone else's updates. I seriously can't relate to 90% of these people I proport to like or at least have something in common with. I'm tempted to unfriend half of them. Then again, I can't do that on iPhone, either. Kate hides several people; makes sense, but seems disingenuous to me. So I'm just whining. Way more productive!

6:19pm: Modest Beginnings
Sometimes you forget where you came from. Today, I remembered how I was once a poor 19-year-old living in Key West, in a tiny trailer with a busted fridge and leaking water; driving a car with 150k miles, expired tags and a leaking gas tank. Soon after, I would allow a girl to move in with me who couldn't keep a job for more than a week, and would help me to become the fattest I had ever been.

It's weird how the bridge between that and where I am now is Gwar. Dave, Brad and the other guys have no idea how much they've done for me. I was able to move up to Richmond VA, make a little money, and be a part of something truly amazing. That led to many other great endeavors.